Despite the fact that millions of people suffer from depression, it still seems to be a hush hush subject. Especially post natal depression, it something that not enough people talk about. A lot of people are too ashamed to admit they are suffering from post natal depressing. Many won't even admit it to themselves.
This was something I struggled with myself. After my daughter was born I quickly developed post natal depression. I felt as though everything was getting on top of me and I just couldn't cope. I would spend most of my time in tears and I barely slept. I became afraid of going outside because I was afraid people would know I couldn't cope. Most people will tell you that when you have post natal depression, that it puts a strain on your relationship with your new baby but for me that was not the case. For me the issue was with my eldest. I absolutely love my son but at the time everything he did wound me up the wrong way. I would find myself getting angry with him for no real reason. Eventually I started picturing myself doing awful things to him, things that scared me and made me feel like a terrible mother. If he was playing up while we were going down the stairs in our block of flats, I would think about how easy it would be just to push him down them. It was almost as though I had an evil voice in my head. These thoughts would make me feel sick and I hated myself. On several occasions I would go to medicine cabinet and stare at the tablets, wondering how many I would need to take to end it all. I often thought that my fiancé and children would be better off without me. My partner would often ask if I was ok and if I was struggling but I would just snap at him, thinking that he was just critising me. All of my family knew I was struggling but I just couldn't admit it to myself. In my head mums were supposed to be able to do everything easily and by me struggling, I felt like I was failing everyone, especially my children. It wasn't until I broke down in front of my health visitor that I finally excepted that I needed help. She arranged for me to speak to a doctor and they soon put me on anti depressants, something I always promised myself I would never do. They also arranged for me to speak to a outreach worker from my local children's centre. She was absolutely amazing. I had spoken to family members about how I felt but speaking to someone unconnected felt great. She always had time to listen to my worries and never judged me. She encouraged me to take part in different activities and helped me find ways to spend one on one time with my son. She did wonders for my family.
There was something else that helped me through the darkness and that was writing. Writing had been something I have been doing for years, but had taken a break from. A week or two after I had my daughter I started to write again. Nothing serious, it was just a bit of fun but soon I became dependant on. As my mood and mental health changed so did the story. It became darker and I addressed some of my feelings through my characters. Of course the situations they were in were nothing like mine but I understood the way the were feeling. It gave me a chance to escape the problems I was dealing with at home and gave me something else to focus on. It was something I could control. Like most people suffering from depression, I felt completely out of control. Even today that are days when I feel the darkness creeping up on me, that I hear that little voice which tells me I am not good enough. The difference is now I am not afraid to talk about it. I am not afraid to ask for help.
Unlike some dealing with depression, I quickly understood what was happening to me and why. I was very much aware of my mental state but I just couldn't control it. I believe depression is something I have been close to several times in my life. Several times during my youth I watched my mother struggle with depression and helped her cope and deal with things, as she has now done for me. I suffered through bullying from those that I thought where my friends, who made me feel like I would never be loved by anyone. I guess you could say I was the D.U.F.F (designated ugly fat friend), when we went out I always felt like I was there to make the others feel better about themselves. Later I was fooled into believing I was in love by a man who played on naievity. I knew deep down I felt nothing for him and he was just playing with me, but I just wanted to feel loved. He used me and dropped me as soon as he got what wanted. Leaving me with a rather sick and twisted understanding of relationships. When my sister left, my family began to crumble and I had to be the back bone that held everyone together, as well as trying to get through my exams, work and dealing with the fact that grandfather only had a few years left to live. Thankfully, I managed to rise to surface through all of that but I believe that is how my story with depression began. Don't get me wrong, I had a great childhood and the most amazing and supportive family. My life isn't a sob story at all but it just proves that depression can strike anyone. If I could give any advice to someone who was suffering from post natal depression or just depression in general, it would be that it's ok. You don't have to face it alone, don't be afraid to admit that you need help. Don't bottle up your emotions, speak to someone, whether it is a friend, family member or doctor. The best thing you can do is talk about it, let it all out. Don't let depression rule your life, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Today I am still a little mental, but overall I am happy I have my family and that is all that matters to me. They are my rock, my heart, my everything.
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